How
can we get along with people? For many
of us, this is mystery, can you figure
people out? According to the Bible, we
are made in the image of God (Gen.
1:27). However, we have a fallen
nature, which means we have a sinful
tendency. In the book of Romans,
chapter eight, scripture tells us, when
humanity fell, all of creation also
fell. The entire world looks forward to
change, which will take place when
redemption is completed.
19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits
for the revealing of the sons of God.
20 For the creation was subjected to
futility, not willingly, but because of
Him who subjected it in hope;
Romans 8:19-20
You might ask does this matter when we are talking about
dealing with people. The point here is
man has a fallen nature; all of creation
has a fallen nature. When dealing with
people we need to keep this in mind.
People are not perfect, we ourselves are
not perfect. Each living being has a
nature, dogs, goats, birds, lions, and
insects have a unique characteristics
and behaviors. We don’t expect dogs to
fly; neither do we expect goats to hunt
lions. Why? Because such action is
outside their nature, based on their
nature we can expect animals to respond
a certain way to certain circumstances.
How does a dog trainer know how to train the dog?
Usually, they learn the “nature” of the
animal they are training. They learn to
think like the animal thinks; they then
use the thought patterns of the animal
to help the animal respond in the
desired manner.
Contrary to modern evolutionary teaching, we are not
animals, but a direct creation of God.
We are made in the image of God
after His likeness; we have “godlike”
characteristics, though our nature is
fallen. Understanding the “nature” of
humanity helps us understand, why people
act the way they do. It also helps us
understand why we act the way we do.
From the most famous to the infamous,
all humans share a common way of acting
and responding. Our thoughts, feelings,
and desires are along a similar pattern,
because we have a similar nature.
Understand human nature, allows us to understand why
people do what they do. This goes a long
way in creating friendships. Why do
friendships matter? Because we have a
mandate from Jesus Christ to reach the
lost, to bring them the Gospel,
therefore, by learning how handle
people, we can be more effective in
reaching those without Christ.
The book How to Win Friends and Influence People,
by Dale Carnegie, has sold more the 15
million copies, because he clearly
unfolds and reveals the nature of
people. The book is designed to help
its reader, learn how to
deal with
people, so they can be more
effective in their life and work. For
this very reason, many employers want
their people to understand the material
compiled by Dale Carnegie. Though the
book is written from a secular
perspective, many of Carnegie’s
“revelations about humanity” are already
in the Bible.
The goal for many companies is to advance their
corporate agenda. We as part of the
Kingdom of God, have an eternal
agenda, unequalled by the goal of any
company. Through understanding the basic
nature of humanity, we will be better
equipped in reaching a lost and dying
world.
We can borrow the outline in How to Win Friends
and Influence People using his
examples along with scripture; to help
understand this lost world. Understand
the lost and the saved both have the
same fallen nature; we both crave and
desire the same things. When we know
Christ, our desire for meaning and hope
is realized. The lost look for meaning
and hope in a bankrupt world, we have
the opportunity to bring them what they
really seek, “Jesus Christ”.
How to Win Friends and Influence People is
divided into four sections; we will use
Carnegie’s outline division and example
along with Biblical parallels.
1)
Fundamental Techniques to handling
people
2)
Six ways to make people like you
3)
How to win people over to your way of
thinking
4)
Be a leader
Part
1: Fundamental techniques for handling
people
In this part of this study we will examine the
basic underlying aspects of all human
beings. What makes people the way they
are, and why do they respond the way
they do. In Part 1, we will look at 3
fundamental areas of human “Nature” and
how to handle people.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
Jesus Christ died for the sins of the world, because
there was no other way for man to be
saved. This is why Jesus is called our
“Savior” because He saved us from our
sins, which means we need to be saved.
For someone to come to Christ, they
first need to know, their need of a
savior, they need salvation, in other
words they are lost. The problem is
most people; don’t think they are really
“bad enough” to deserve punishment.
Why aren’t we, “that bad”?
Because, we justify our actions, we are
not really that bad. In fact, if you go
to any prison and ask people, do they
deserve to be there? Most will tell you
no, they are innocent or they don’t
belong in jail. Are we really any
different then most people? We
constantly justify our actions.
Dale Carnegie tells us the story of
Two-Gun Crowley, who was trapped on
May 7th 1931 in the top
floors of a New York apartment building,
in his girlfriend’s apartment. Over 150
New York Police and detectives descended
on his hideaway, shooting machine guns
and firing tear gas into one of the
finest areas in New York City. Ten
thousand people watched as the war in
New York City took place. Crowley had
earlier killed a policeman in cold
blood, who dared ask him to see his
driver’s license. Did he think he was
wrong? We know what he thought, because
he wrote a letter during the event,
thinking he was going to die. He wrote
“To whom it may concern.”.....Under my coat is a weary
heart, but a kind one---one that would
do nobody any harm”
After he was captured, Crowley was sentenced to the
electric chair, with his last words
proclaimed his innocence saying, “This
is what I get for defending myself”.
The point is this; Crowley did not see himself as a
“bad-guy”, he saw himself as a kind
hearted person, who would do nobody any
harm. Even though he killed an officer
in cold blood, he justified himself. If
Crowley acts this way, how do you think
most people feel about their actions?
Was Crowley alone? No other well known criminals
also see themselves as public
humanitarians, gangsters like Al Capone
and Dutch Shultz saw themselves as
servants of humanity, even though many
died from their actions.
Extending Grace
Without the light of the Gospel, it’s hard for
people to see their actions as wrong.
The unfaithful husband justifies
himself, saying “my wife did not love
me”. The person who steals can justify
himself, saying the company exploits
“poor people”. This is why for the most
part criticizing, condemning or
complaining does little good. Most of us
will justify ourselves, for our actions,
even if others are harmed.
This is where the principle of extending grace is
demonstrated. We must always remember
how God extends grace to us. We need to
learn to see the world, through the
other person’s eye. Ask these questions
before you are tempted to say something
to somebody in a critical way,
·
Do they have the advantage of knowing scripture?
·
Do I expect others to know what I know?
·
Are we really much better then them?
This is the point Jesus is trying to make in
Matthew 7, He says
before you are critical (Judging)
others, first make sure you are in the
position to judge. The standard we set
for others is the standard we are
setting for ourselves.
1 "Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 "For with what
judgment you judge, you will be judged;
and with the measure you use, it will be
measured back to you. 3 "And why do you
look at the speck in your brother's eye,
but do not consider the plank in your
own eye? 4 "Or how can you say to your
brother, 'Let me remove the speck from
your eye'; and look, a plank is in your
own eye? 5 "Hypocrite! First remove the
plank from your own eye, and then you
will see clearly to remove the speck
from your brother's eye.
Matthew 7:1-5
Before I knew the Lord, I would always view
someone’s financial standing as the
indicator of their value. As a result,
I viewed myself as a failure, because I
did not meet my own judgment. I was a
failure according to my own standard.
This is what verse 2 is saying, “For
with what judgment you judge, you will
be judged”.
Paul in
Romans 14 urges the
“Saved” to learn to extend grace to
fellow “believers”. Especially in areas
where there is dispute. I always
remember the story of a friend, telling
me how his brother, who was in great
distress, entered a church with a black
leather biker’s jacket. After sitting
down, an usher came over to him, tapped
him on the shoulder, and told him, “Your
kind does not belong in the church”.
Rejected, it would be many years before
he ever stepped into a church. This
story is repeated over and over again,
as people looking for hope are rejected
and condemned by the very people who
should love them. This is the point
Paul is making in Romans 14, we are to try to understand those who
are weak in faith. Accept them in the
love of Christ.
1 Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes
over doubtful things. 2 For one believes
he may eat all things, but he who is
weak eats only vegetables. 3 Let not him
who eats despise him who does not eat,
and let not him who does not eat judge
him who eats; for God has received him.
4 Who are you to judge another's
servant? To his own master he stands or
falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand,
for God is able to make him stand. 5 One
person esteems one day above another;
another esteems every day alike. Let
each be fully convinced in his own mind.
6 He who observes the day, observes it
to the Lord; and he who does not observe
the day, to the Lord he does not observe
it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for
he gives God thanks; and he who does not
eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and
gives God thanks. 15 Yet if your brother
is grieved because of your food, you are
no longer walking in love. Do not
destroy with your food the one for whom
Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let
your good be spoken of as evil;
Romans 14:1-23
Condemning criticizing and complaining about minor
issues is not walking in the love of
Christ. Let the love of Christ rule
your actions, keep in mind Jesus died
for that person. So rather then being
critical of people, let us try to show
them the love of Christ.
Abraham Lincoln learned the damage of
having a critical personality
firsthand. His experience changed his
life, making him one of the most admired
presidents in American history. Abraham
was not always adept at dealing with
people. According to Dale Carnegie, in
1842 Lincoln ridiculed a belligerent
politician named James Shield, through
anonymous letters; he mocked and made
fun of him. People laughed at Shields
expense, word finally got out it was
Abraham Lincoln who was behind the
letters. James Shields challenged
Lincoln to a dual; Lincoln accepted
rather then seem like a coward. Lincoln
selected cavalry broadswords as his
weapon of choice, even though he did not
really want to fight. A West Point
graduate gave Lincoln lessons on sword
fighting, preparing him for the fight of
his life.
Lincoln and Shields were prepared to fight to the
death, over a letter Lincoln wrote. The
day finally arrived; Shields and Lincoln
met on a sand bar in the Mississippi
River on September 22, 1842. Only at
the last minute was a fight prevented,
which would have affected both men’s
future. Lincoln learned his lesson,
never again did he attack with a
critical spirit, but became known as a
man with out malice. His famous quote
from his 2nd inaugural
address demonstrated this change in
attitude, Lincoln talked about the
attitude America needed,
With Malice toward none, with charity
for all, with firmness in the right, as
God gives us to see the right, let us
strive on to finish the work we are in,
to bind up the nation's wounds.
....Abraham
Lincoln
Finally, Jesus tells the parable of a king with two
servants, who both owed the king money.
In this parable, Jesus is illustrates
the principle of forgiving those who
offended us. The point is, if our
Heavenly Father can forgive us for our
offenses, why do we have the right to
hold on to those who offend us?
22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven
times, but up to seventy times seven. 23
"Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like
a certain king who wanted to settle
accounts with his servants. 24 "And when
he had begun to settle accounts, one was
brought to him who owed him ten thousand
talents. 25 "But as he was not able to
pay, his master commanded that he be
sold, with his wife and children and all
that he had, and that payment be made.
26 "The servant therefore fell down
before him, saying, 'Master, have
patience with me, and I will pay you
all.' 27 "Then the master of that
servant was moved with compassion,
released him, and forgave him the debt.
28 "But that servant went out and found
one of his fellow servants who owed him
a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on
him and took him by the throat, saying,
'Pay me what you owe!' 29 "So his fellow
servant fell down at his feet and begged
him, saying, 'Have patience with me, and
I will pay you all.' 30 "And he would
not, but went and threw him into prison
till he should pay the debt. 31 "So when
his fellow servants saw what had been
done, they were very grieved, and came
and told their master all that had been
done. 32 "Then his master, after he had
called him, said to him, 'You wicked
servant! I forgave you all that debt
because you begged me. 33 'Should you
not also have had compassion on your
fellow servant, just as I had pity on
you?' 34 "And his master was angry, and
delivered him to the torturers until he
should pay all that was due to him. 35
"So My heavenly Father also will do to
you if each of you, from his heart, does
not forgive his brother his
trespasses."
Matthew 18:22-35
This is not to say there is never a time to be critical.
Sometimes it’s our job, to point out
areas that need improvement, such as in
a job situation. We really need to
examine each situation, keeping in mind
who is hearing our words.
Ask yourself; are you in the position to give your
comments on an issue? Let the words
from proverbs be your guide.
5 A fool despises his father's instruction, But he who
receives correction is prudent.22
Without counsel, plans go awry, But in
the multitude of counselors they are
established.
Proverbs 15:5,22
25 Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; Rebuke
one who has understanding, and he will
discern knowledge. Proverbs 19:25
5 Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed. 6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But
the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
Proverbs 27:5-6
2.
Give honest and Sincere Appreciation
Every person has wants and needs; some
of these needs are very obvious such as
food, water and shelter. Other needs
are less obvious, but still impact our
lives, through actions and attitudes.
We are social beings, it’s our nature,
and we live our lives in context to
those around. We really do care what
people think about us.
We all have a desire to be
significant, in one way or another.
We want to matter and have purpose. As
a result we search for ways to fill
these inner desires.
In the Bible, we see this yearning for
meaning and importance from the start,
with Cain and Abel, the first two
brothers. Cain was upset; God did not
have the same respect for his sacrifice,
as He did for Abel’s. The reason being,
Abel offered from his heart, while
Cain’s offering was out of obligation.
Abel offered the best; Cain offered what
he thought he could get away with. When
Cain saw he offering was not accepted
like Abel’s, he did not blame himself,
he blamed his brother, he blamed God.
6 So the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why has
your countenance fallen? 7 "If you do
well, will you not be accepted? And if
you do not do well, sin lies at the
door. And its desire is for you, but you
should rule over it." 8 Now Cain talked
with Abel his brother; and it came to
pass, when they were in the field, that
Cain rose up against Abel his brother
and killed him.
Genesis 4:6-8
Why did Cain react in such a way? Cain
wanted to matter, he wanted God to
accept his offer, however, Cain was not
willing to do what he was required to
do, to be accepted by God. Therefore,
he lashed out at his brother; he thought
if he could eliminate his brother, then
he would be significant. Later a
descendent of Cain, Lamech, continues
this downward spiral, of our need for
significance. After killing a man, he
declares if Cain deserved vengeance,
from any harm, he deserved 70-tmes more.
He is more important then Cain.
23 Then Lamech said to his wives: "Adah and Zillah, hear my
voice; Wives of Lamech, listen to my
speech! For I have killed a man for
wounding me, Even a young man for
hurting me. 24 If Cain shall be avenged
sevenfold, Then Lamech
seventy-sevenfold." Genesis 4:23-24
This
need for significance has not been
missed by the secular world; Dr. John
Dewey said the deepest urge in human
nature is “the desire to be important”.
Sigmund Freud called it, “the desire to
be great” There can be no better
modern-day example then the hit show
American Idol. The show promises “Idol”
like status to its winners, who are
ordinary people, with singing talent.
Why become an “Idol”, because along with
fame and glory, comes the “appearance”
of significance.
Why do people give millions of dollars
to a hospital, so a wing came be named
after them? Why does Donald Trump
strive so hard to the known as a “Great
businessman”, building monuments to his
glory? Because deep in his heart, he
wants to matter, he wants to feel
important. Donald Trump exhibits, what
we all yearn, to be important, to
matter.
The ways we try to achieve importance
varies with each person; look around at
all the ways we attempt to matter. We
think we can be significant if; we
become very wealthy, get a education,
become a basketball star, get a singing
contract or be part of a gang. The
need to be “Important” causes us to do
many things, let look at Julius Caesar.
Julius Caesar at the age of 31, while
serving as a governor in Gades, in Gaul
saw a statue of Alexander the Great in
the Temple of Hercules and wept. When
asked what was the matter he responded,
"Do
you think I have not just cause to weep,
when I consider that Alexander at my age
had conquered so many nations, and I
have all this time done nothing that is
memorable." ... Julius Caesar
From that point in his life, he began a quest for meaning and
success which led to the fame and
success attached to the name of Julius
Caesar. Where is he today? Did all his
fortune and success secure him a place
in eternity?
Really, they are just like us; they are playing out
their fallen “human” nature. We all
need significance; however our meaning
and purpose come from who we are in
relation to the Lord. If you gain
the whole world and loose your soul,
what profit do you have? We are
significant because God made us in His
image, and loved us enough to die for
us. That’s why we are important, not
because we can conquer the world. Only
when we see our place in eternity,
through the work of Christ, can we find
real reason we yearn for glory and
fame.
How far will we go in our need to be important and
significant? Dale Carnegie lists some
of these examples, he writes,
“History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people
struggling for a feeling of importance.
Even George Washington wanted to be
called “His Mightiness, the President of
the United States”; and Columbus pleaded
for the title “Admiral of the Ocean and
Viceroy of India.” Catherine the Great
refused to open letters that were not
addressed to “Her Imperial Majesty” and
Mrs. Lincoln, in the White House, turned
upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and
shouted, “How dare you be seated in my
presence until I invite you!”......
.....Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd’s
expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with
the understanding that ranges of the icy
mountains would be named after them”
How should we respond to our need for meaning and
significance? Regarding our vain
attempts at being significant, the Bible
in Jeremiah declares,
23 Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise man glory in his
wisdom, Let not the mighty man glory in
his might, Nor let the rich man glory in
his riches; 24 But let him who glories
glory in this, That he understands and
knows Me, That I am the Lord, exercising
lovingkindness, judgment, and
righteousness in the earth. For in these
I delight," says the Lord.Jeremiah
9:23-24
This need is so great, that many times
it destroys people’s lives, causing them
to go insane. Their life takes on a
delusion of importance, rather then deal
with reality. Dale Carnegie quotes a
head physician in a leading psychiatric
hospital,
“I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a
tragedy. She wanted love....children,
and social prestige, but life blasted
all her hopes. Her husband didn’t love
her. He refused even to eat with her and
forced her to serve his meals in his
room upstairs. She had no children, no
social standing. She went insane; and,
in her imagination, she divorced her
husband and resumed her maiden name.
She now believes she has married into
English aristocracy, and she insists on
being called Lady Smith....and as for
children, she imagines now that she has
a new child every night. Each time I
call on her she says: “Doctor, I had a
baby last night”
Not
flattery
The world is starved for meaning and
significance, people want to know they
matter and mean something. This need is
often exploited by insincere words,
called flattery in scripture.
Flattery is to deceptively appeal to
someone’s need for significance. To
tell them what they want to hear, to
gain advantage. What does the Bible
says about flattery?
9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; Their inward
part is destruction; Their throat is an
open tomb; They flatter with their
tongue. Psalm 5:9
2 They speak idly everyone with his neighbor; With
flattering lips and a double heart
they speak. Psalm 12:2
18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ,
but their own belly, and by smooth words
and flattering speech deceive the
hearts of the simple.
Romans 16:18
Because we are fallen and crave
meaning, we become a target of those who
understand this weakness in the human
condition. Flattery exploits this
weakness, this need for meaning.
The gift we can offer
When we know Jesus Christ, we can offer
the world what it really wants and
needs. The purpose they have through
Jesus Christ. This is why the book,
The Purpose Driven Life was so
successful. It showed people, like you
and me, we have purpose beyond anything
this world can offer.
We can offer people the significance
they seek, by letting them know who they
are in Jesus Christ. People matter,
what they do matters, why not let people
know?
All around us, people are hungry to be
“sincerely” appreciated. Why not
appreciate people, for what they are
doing. If you see someone doing a great
job, let them know. Lets not just think
it, keeping what people do in our
hearts, lets tell them, with a sincere
heart, using honest appreciation.
Remember we are made in the image of
God, being in God’s image we have
likeness. Scripture tells us to be
thankful; we are to thank the Lord for
what He does for us everyday. Being
thankful is showing appreciation.
Look around, has somebody done something
you can appreciate?
This
failure to appreciate is clearly
demonstrated by the healing of the ten
lepers in Luke.
12 Then as He entered a certain village, there met Him ten
men who were lepers, who stood afar off.
13 And they lifted up their voices and
said, "Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!"
14 So when He saw them, He said to them,
"Go, show yourselves to the priests."
And so it was that as they went, they
were cleansed. 15 And one of them, when
he saw that he was healed, returned, and
with a loud voice glorified God, 16 and
fell down on his face at His feet,
giving Him thanks. And he was a
Samaritan. 17 So Jesus answered and
said, "Were there not ten cleansed? But
where are the nine? Luke 17:12-17
These ten lepers were outcasts of
society. Jesus healed them, and only
one of the ten, took time to find Jesus
and thank Him. Only 10%, if that figure
was true in Jesus’ day, it’s true in our
day. Our fallen “nature” is not
thankful, that why we have to be
instructed in the Bible to be “Thankful”
to offer “Thanksgiving”.
In Christ alone, can we appreciate what
Jesus did for us on the Cross.
Therefore, let’s extend our
appreciation, to those around us. To
people made in the image of God, let
them know we have a thankful spirit, let
them see we are different in Christ.
Quoting Dale Carnegie, “Try leaving a
friendly trail of little sparks of
gratitude on your daily trips, You will
be surprised how they will set small
flames of friendship that will be rose
beacons on your next visit”.
Class
assignment:
1. Refrain from any condemnations,
criticisms or complaints about people.
Instead try to understand why they might
have acted the way they did.
2. Look for opportunities to show
people sincere honest appreciation, for
their actions.
